A post to a friend about something I was glad to know I wasn't the only one was experiencing...

Originally Posted by XXXXXXXX
"... I felt clinically and scientifically neutral, I recognized it as a learning experience. However, another part wonders if it was normal for me to feel virtually nothing. Am I in shock, professionally mature, or just plain cold? I should mention that my behavior with new experiences has been very strong and I am always surprising my self. In nursing school I have seen, smelled and done some very nasty and gruesome things. Most of the time I was aware of what I was about to do or witness. I would panic at first and then tell myself its part of the job, just do it. When it came down to it, I have always done the difficult job as if on autopilot. When I was done, I would be surprised that I was not crying, vomiting, fainting, scrubbing my eyeballs etc. Maybe that strength is included in seeing the dead body? I am just confused about my experience. Any thoughts, comments, similar experiences appreciated."

Me:
I really REALLY appreciate your post. I can relate to the question of shock? maturity? cold?

I have recently been questioning myself, too, in regards to an afternoon in the med room with another nurse and an extremely dehydrated 2 month old. I was at first worried about participating in the cath and IV stick, and yet, when it was time to help position and hold him down, I went into auto-pilot, much as you mentioned. I felt nothing. (being honest.)

I came home and cried later...not because of my nursing actions, because I knew getting fluids running had already helped the little fella. I cried because I asked my husband, "What kind of monster doesn't hurt inside when doing a procedure on a baby?" And of COURSE, I didn't want the baby to hurt, but I knew that the end (re-hydration) justified the means (an IV start.)

Anyway, I fought the same feelings you're expressing about seeing the deceased and wanted you to know you're not the only one. It helps to just talk about it and debrief a little. We're not cold; we're doing our job and helping people...and many can't do what we do.
Hugs,